RUSSIAN ARMY NOTABLE – Marcus Bales | Don Caron

A parody of the song, Modern Major General, written by Gilbert and Sullivan as part of the Musical “Pirates of Penzance.” Parody Lyrics written by Marcus Bales. Parody performed by Don Caron
Executive Producers Don Caron and Jerry Pender

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LYRICS to RUSSIAN ARMY NOTABLE
By Marcus Bales

I am the very model of a Russian Army notable,
But keep my views on Putin very quiet and unquotable.
We cannot feed our men or solve our biggest difficulty: fuel
and without diesel, tanks fall idle and become a useless tool

The rabble I’m commanding’s very nearly uncontrollable
But I don’t want to leave my grieving widow unconsolable.
So when I’m on the battlefield I say that I’m Tasmanian
So I’m not caught and shot by some more competent Ukrainian

So when he’s on the battlefield he says that he’s Tasmanian
So he’s not caught and shot by some more competent Ukrainian
So he’s not caught and shot by some more competent U- U- Ukrainian

It’s hard to get the troops to do bad deeds to the extent advised
Or keep the greedy mercenaries properly incentivized
Committing crimes and genocides and other evil strategies
Like jailing all Ukrainian potential Jogesh Chatterjees.

Committing crimes and genocides and other evil strategies
Like jailing all Ukrainian potential .

Since Putin’s got delusions that his mission is imperial
We’ve lost a lot of tanks and trucks and other war material —
It doesn’t seem that my commands are usefully encryptable
So we’ve lost tens of thousands of the ignorant conscriptable.
If we were US cops we’d be arrested and Mirandaized
But plebs are proper gooses, and we keep them propagandaized.
Our forces get bogged down and then attacked in many, many ways
But no one back in Russia knows what’s going on here, anyways.

Our forces get bogged down and then attacked in many, many ways
But no one back in Russia knows what’s going on here, anyways.

I indiscriminately shell the women in maternity
To send the coming generation off to its eternity.
I terrorize civilians in their hospitals and hospices,
And claim that they were working under terroristic auspices.

We terrorize civilians in their hospitals and hospices,
And claim that they were working under terroristic auspices.

When I can show you doctored photos of our deep-fake victories
And wave away the fact-checked versions of our contradictories;
When I have sold my unit’s gear in my attempts at cashing out
You’ll know that I’ve prepared the route by which I will be dashing out;
When I have stolen all I can, concocting all my perjuries,
When I’ve arranged appointments for my new cosmetic surgeries,
When I have filled my Swiss account with war funds I’ve been plundering,
I’ll disappear without a trace and leave the Kremlin wondering.

When he has filled his Swiss accounts with war funds that he’s plundering
He’ll disappear without a trace and leave the Kremlin wondering.

But when I’m on the battlefield I seek the subterranean
So I’m not caught and shot by some more competent Ukrainian.
I am the very model of a Russian Army notable —
And also keep my views on Putin quiet and unquotable.

He is the very model of a Russian Army notable —
And also keep his views on Putin quiet and unquotable.

ABOUT THE ORIGINAL
“I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” (often referred to as the “Major-General’s Song” or “Modern Major-General’s Song”) is a patter song from Gilbert and Sullivan’s 1879 comic opera The Pirates of Penzance. It has been called the most famous Gilbert and Sullivan patter song. Sung by Major General Stanley at his first entrance, towards the end of Act I, the character introduces himself by presenting his résumé and admitting to a few shortcomings. The song satirizes the idea of the “modern” educated British Army officer of the latter 19th century.

The song is replete with historical and cultural references, in which the Major-General describes his impressive and well-rounded education in non-military matters, but he says that his military knowledge has “only been brought down to the beginning of the century”. The stage directions in the libretto state that at the end of each verse the Major-General is “bothered for a rhyme”. Interpolated business occurs here, and in each case he finds a rhyme and finishes the verse with a flourish.

The piece is difficult to perform because of the fast pace and tongue-twisting nature of the lyrics.

The song has been widely parodied and pastiched, including one featured in comic No. 1052 on the webcomic xkcd in 2012. This comic then became the subject of numerous musical adaptations. “The Elements” inspired the “Boy Scout Merit Badge Song”, listing all the merit badges that can be earned from the Boy Scouts of America.

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