THE MAN WHO NEVER DISCERNED | Parody of MTA | Lyrics by David Cohen

A parody of the song, MTA, written in 1949 by Jacqueline Steiner and Bess Lomax Hawes and made famous by The Kingston Trio Lyrics for this parody were written by David Cohen. Parody performed by Don Caron
Executive Producers Don Caron and Jerry Pender

If you like this parody of “MTA” also known as “The Man Who Never Returned” about the failure of Merrick Garland (at least so far) to indict the leaders of the attempted coup on January 6, 2022 – then sign up for our mailing list below (never shared) and we’ll notify you when we post a new parody:

If you’d like to become a patron of Parody Project
just click the button below:

LYRICS to THE MAN WHO NEVER DISCERNED
By David Cohen
Based on M.T.A. by The Kingston Trio

Well let me tell you ‘bout the story
Of a man named Garland
On a hopeful yet fateful day
He put nonsense on his docket
Kissed his wife and family
Went to work at the DOJ

Well did he ever discern?
No, he never discerned
As their crimes he won’t confirm (what a pity)
He may hide forever
‘Neath the halls of justice
He’s the man, who never discerned

Garland handed in his spine
After his own confirmation
And then gave all the “perps” free rein
When he got there, he insisted
that the law would not be fickle
Now there’s so much he has to explain!

But did he ever discern?
No, he never discerned
As their crimes he won’t confirm (poor old Merrick)
He may hide forever
‘Neath the halls of justice
He’s the man, who never discerned

Now, all day long
Garland goes through the motions
Thinking “What will become of me?!
How can I afford to have the “Moron” arrested
Or his children, and his family?”

But did he ever discern?
No, he never discerned
As their crimes he won’t confirm (shame and scandal)
He may hide forever
‘Neath the halls of justice
He’s the man, who never discerned

All the Dem’s go down
To the DOJ office every day at half past noon
And yell at shuttered windows pleading-,
“Let’s start indicting
As elections will be happenin’ soon”

But did he ever discern?
No, he never discerned
As their crimes he won’t confirm (he may hide forever)
He may hide forever
‘Neath the halls of justice
He’s the man, who never discerned

Now you citizens of reason
Don’t you think it’s a scandal
How the wealthy never seem to pay?
Fight to make this cease!
Contact someone please
to yank Garland from the DOJ

Or else he’ll never discern
No, he’ll never discern
And their crimes won’t be confirmed (pphhbbtt)
He may hide forever
‘Neath the halls of justice
He’s the man, who never discerned
He’s the man, who never discerned
He’s the man, who never discerned

ABOUT THE ORIGINAL SONG

“M.T.A.”, often called “The MTA Song”, is a 1949 song written by Jacqueline Steiner and Bess Lomax Hawes. Known informally as “Charlie on the MTA”, the song’s lyrics tell an absurd tale of a man named Charlie trapped on Boston’s subway system, which was then known as the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA). The song was originally recorded as a mayoral campaign song for Progressive Party candidate Walter A. O’Brien. A version of the song with the candidate’s name changed became a 1959 hit when recorded and released by The Kingston Trio, an American folk singing group.

The song has become so entrenched in Boston lore that the Boston-area transit authority named its electronic card-based fare collection system the “CharlieCard” as a tribute to this song. The transit organization, now called the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA), held a dedication ceremony for the card system in 2004 which featured a performance of the song by the Kingston Trio, attended by then-governor Mitt Romney.

The Kingston Trio version begins with a spoken recitation by Dave Guard accompanied by a solo cello in a low register: “These are the times that try men’s souls. In the course of our nation’s history, the people of Boston have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened. Today, a new crisis has arisen. The Metropolitan Transit Authority, better known as the MTA, is attempting to levy a burdensome tax on the population, in the form of a subway fare increase. Citizens, hear me out! This could happen to you.”

The song’s lyrics tell of Charlie, a man who boards an MTA subway car, but then cannot get off because he does not have enough money for new “exit fares”. These additional charges had just been established to collect an increased fare without replacing existing fare collection equipment.

The song goes on to say that every day Charlie’s wife hands him a sandwich “as the train comes rumbling through” because he is stranded on the train.

The song is on “The Ship That Never Returned,” composed in 1949 as part of the election campaign of Walter A. O’Brien, a Progressive Party candidate for Boston mayor. O’Brien was unable to afford radio advertisements, so he enlisted local folk singers to write and sing songs from a touring truck with a loudspeaker (he was later fined $10 for “disturbing the peace”).

AND WE HAVE SOME FUN STUFF IN THE PARODY PROJECT STORE
</a